Do Not Fear, Blair IS Here... Somewhere

Dear Readers:

Sorry for my extended absence. The nutter I call my boss actually believes that you're supposed to do work at work. Amateur. He's given me project after project this week. I think he's on to me.



I also just bought a new MacBook laptop! ISN'T IT CUTE! Finally a computer of my own again. After my hard drive died I feared the worst. But all my pictures and music were backed up (THANK THE FOOTBALLING GODS!... because they're the only ones I worship).Once I get that up and running a bit, hopefully I can do some more productive activities.

Lastly, I am going on holiday next week and will be without internet unless I peddle my very untoned bum to the steamy, un-air conditioned cafe. Unlikely to happen often. Again, I apologize.

Yours Truly,
Blair

Pièce de Résistance: Nereida Gallardo, Adios Puta!

Much has been said and reported on the very public relationship between Cristiano Ronaldo and Nereida Gallardo. Finally, the two have split. A very jealous C-Ron was hit hard by the news of Nereida’s romance with Sergio Ramos back in November and has told her to bugger off…forever. Even now that the couple have split, Gallardo is convinced that the two are still together. Perhaps there has been some confusion in translation. After being questioned in regards to the breakup outside her home in Majorca, Gallardo, still dawning the diamond ring Ronaldo gave to her, reacted with:

“I don't know where this story has come from. I have spoken to him today, as always. We are together. He told me he loves me and I him.”


But a close friend has come out and stated:

“She is devastated. She talked of herself as the new VICTORIA BECKHAM.”

Firstly, denial is not just a river in Egypt. And secondly, comparing Victoria Beckham to Gallardo is like comparing Tiffany’s china to a toad. There really is no association to be made.

I’m not the biggest C-Ron fan. My hatred for this loathsome, unsuccessful, utterly not classy human being is based on my hopes for humanity itself, not a willingness to drool over Senor Self Importance. With this, I bid you ado, Whoreida. Don’t let his over-priced door hit you on the way out.

Link: It's Not Over Says Ronaldo's WAG Nereida

John Rooney Must Have a Complex

Being the youngest of the Rooney clan, there is inevitability that the poor lad has some serious issues. The media reported today that John has signed his first professional contract with League Two side, Macclesfield. In any normal boy’s life, this would be a reason for massive celebration and family pride, alas this lad is a Rooney. The media has gone and made stories about how he is making merely £7,800 a year compared to his eldest brother’s first deal which was for £5.7 million a year. What a disgrace to the Rooney name, right?! The media can be so cruel.

Link: Rooney Tunes: Wayne's Baby Brother Signs Two-year deal with Macclesfield - on Ten Thousand Times Less Money a Week! (Bastards!)

Chelsea Latest

Drogba Offered Pay Raise


Chelsea have offered Didier Drogba a new £130,000/week salary to match that of captain John Terry. Scolari is adamant about the striker staying on, rather than going to Italy:

“I want him to stay 100 per cent. No, 200 per cent”

Link: Chelsea boss Scolari Set to Make Offer to Drogba

Carvalho Sticking Around


After weeks of rumors pertaining to moving to Inter with ex-manager Mourinho, Ricardo Carvalho seems more than pleased to be under Felipe Scolari. Carvalho will remain in talks with Peter Kenyon to determine a possible pay raise to meet the standards of his more highly paid teammates.

Link: Chelsea Get a Boost from Carvalho

Pompey After Bridge and Wrighty


Harry Redknapp has expressed interest in Chelsea stars, Shaun Wright-Phillips and Wayne Bridge. Wrighty is looking like the more likely of the two to depart the services of Scolari, after a public statement from his father expressing his advice to leave Chelsea. Bridge might feel slighted by the prominence Ashley Cole has had in the squad. With only 19 appearences last season, Bridge may have been left feeling superfluous.

I love them both. I don’t know if it’s their big lips or their underdog fighting spirit, but I think a little competition is what keeps the team so strong. Second string is a tough shoe to fill, but overall for the team their presence is imperative.

Link: Pompey Boss Redknapp Targets Chelsea Duo

UPDATE: Wayne Bridge Signs New Four Year Contract (Eating my words.)

Real Intrigued By Chelsea’s New Bid for Robinho

Real Madrid have some serious pondering to do in regards to the new £48 million bid from Chelsea for Robinho. The dilemma lies in the transfer of the 24-year-old striker before the confirmation of receiving Cristiano Ronaldo from the Manchester United “slave trade.” Which only further irritates Robinho; he doesn’t want to be a bargaining chip for Ronaldo’s transfer, understandably. I would find that pretty offensive. He is also fairly popular with the fans at Real, and the club might take a PR hit for sending him to London. Another issue is that Robinho would like to play in the Olympics for Brazil, but if he goes to Chelsea, that would be impossible. So many dilemma’s, so little time.

Link: Chelsea Tempt Robinho With £48m Offer

Wedding Bells: Michael Ballack and Simone Lambe

Michael Ballack has finally made an honest woman out of his childhood sweetheart Simone Lambe. Unlike the ostentatious wedding of a particular footballing couple, the Ballack’s conducted the ceremony at a register’s office outside of Munich and was attended by only close friends and family, including the couple’s 3 young sons.

But the wedding ceremony was followed by a 400-guest list party at the Bavarian Yacht Club on Lake Starnberg. The groom is rumored to have also bought breakfast for his hungover guests at the Four Seasons in Starnburg.

I suggest a tissue and a well-shaken strong drink to all the Ballack lovers out there.

Note: Simone’s reception dress looks like it has the 80’s style Madonna breast cones. How do you say “tacky” in German?

Link: Chelsea Footballer Michael Ballack Marries Long-Term Girlfriend
Link: Chelsea's German Star Ballack Marries the Waitress Who Became his WAG... After 10 Years and Three Children

Tuesday Tummies: Tottenham Training

Looking Like Lampsy Might Stick Around

After receiving a fax from Inter Milan with a bid for Frank Lampard, (a pathetic, cowardly way of dealing with your former club Mr. Mourinho) Chelsea informed Internazionale that they “will not enter into any discussions regarding the transfer of Frank Lampard.” SO THERE!



New manager, Scolari, in his first press conference for the club, stated that in just a few minutes of conversation with Lampsy he had this to conclude:

"I spoke to him that I like him much as a player and as a person and I ask him if he wants to stay at Chelsea, not only for this season but for more time. After 15 minutes, he said to me he wants to stay and play for Chelsea for many years. I think Chelsea needs Lampard. I think Lampard is with us more time than one year."

Duh!

Note: Lampsy's calves looked absolutely delectable at training this morning.

Link: Chelsea Reject Inter's Lampard Approach
Link: Chelsea FC Statement

Transfer Talk: Van der Vaart Not Interested in Spurs

After a solid performance in EURO 2008, Rafael van der Vaart attracted the interest of many Premier League clubs, but when he spoke about Tottenham he had some harsh words to purvey:

“Tottenham are not a club I want to swap Hamburg for.”

Ouch! It’s nice to see a man who tells it how it is.

I personally believe that VDV should head to a different London club. But as everyone knows, I am undoubtedly biased. The watch above would already make him a friend with Frank "The Watch Man" Lampard.

Link: "I won't swap Hamburg for Spurs"
Link: Rafael van der Vaart Rejects Spurs

C-Ron Limps Home

Not even an operation on his right ankle could deter Real Madrid from pursuing the transfer of Cristiano Ronaldo from Manchester United. It will be a minimum of six weeks before C-Ron is fit for action after the player went under the knife in Amsterdam yesterday.

At this point I think C-Ron could have a serious bed-wetting issue and Real Madrid would still want to buy him.

Link: We'll Wait For Ronaldo to Get Fit

Joe Cole in Car Accident Before First Day of Training

While sitting in traffic on the A3 near Wandsworth in South West London, Joe Cole was rear-ended in his 4x4 by a 40-ton lorry. His £50,000 Range Rover Vogue was badly damaged on the boot and left side. Cole was unable to continue driving the vehicle to Cobham, where he was heading for his first day of training with Chelsea for the season. Instead he used his mobile to call a driver to come pick him up. While checking up on another driver who was involved in the accident, he complained of a sore arm. Hope this doesn’t have any serious implications.



Note: Reports are saying that had he been in a smaller sports car the injuries he would have sustained would have been much more serious. Well thank goodness he has enough money to not be concerned about driving a gas-guzzler.

Link: Joe Escapes While Truck Hits 4x4

Jewelry Nerd Stalks Lampard and Rives in Sicily

So the story is that this nutter met Lampard in Sicily because she loved Elen's bracelets then they went out to dinner and hung out afterwards. What makes this news is that apparently Elen introduced herself as his wife. If they've gone and got secretly married I'm going to cry.



But he's just so adorbale I can't help but watch the video over and over again. The story of him breaking the hotel treadmill because he was going to fast is just plain hysterical.

Note: Must make plans to "bump" into Frank and Elen. Maybe they will buy me dinner and then we can hang out afterwards. Unlikely.

Nereida Gallardo: Living Up to Her Moniker

After being called “Whoreida” on more than one occasion on more than one blog site that I’ve seen, Gallardo is definitely living up to her newly attained epithet.

News of the World has reported that Cristiano Ronaldo isn’t the first famous footballer that the class act has hooked up with. Back in November when she was whoring hanging out on the streets of Madrid, she popped into the Joy Eslava nightclub with some mates and met up with Real Madrid player Sergio Ramos, who was there with some friends as well. The two immediately hit it off, and after both groups of friends ended up back at Ramos’ pad, they were all over each other. Eventually Gallardo and Ramos headed up to his bedroom.

A pal said, "Nereida didn't go into details afterwards, but she made it clear to all her friends that they didn't talk about football or count sheep."

The two have remained friends with benefits and have continued chatting online now that she’s with C-Ron. Gallardo has kept her high profile hook up a secret because Mr. Ronaldo is a jealous type and she wouldn’t want to be on his shit list. (Or rather off his credit card list.)

I’d love to see him transfer to Real Madrid and see the locker room fist fight banter between those two.

P.S. With the assistance of This is Extra Time, we’ve concluded that Ramos was still with Elisabeth Reyes when the alleged nastiness took place.

Link: Ram Bammed Ron's WAG

Cheryl Cole Attacked By Over-zealous Fan

While happily signing autographs and taking fan photos outside the hotel she is staying at in Glasgow, Mrs. Cole was left flustered after a fan pushed through the throngs of supporters and wrapped his arms around her in an uncomfortable embrace. Cheryl’s PA was quick on her feet to separate the two and usher the X-Factor judge inside. No pictures or evidence has confirmed or denied Ashley Cole as the perp.

Link: Cheryl Cole Freaked Out By Mad Fan

Euro 2008: Catfish In Football Related Fatality

A catfish in a Bavarian canal was discovered dead after choking on a football. The 6-½-foot creature was found floating on the surface with a blue and white football in his mouth. For some unknown reason the police got involved and their spokesman had this to say:

"He tried to eat the ball and it got stuck."

Naw, really Captain Obvious?

And apparently a reporter was stupid enough to ask whether the fish committed a football related suicide due to Germany’s loss to Spain in the Euro 2008 Final. To this the spokesman responded:

“Whether the fish was caught up in soccer ball fever in the aftermath of the European championship and hence snapped at the ball can unfortunately not be determined.”

That’s surprising. Was it undetermined because the fish was dead or based on the fact that fish CAN’T talk? I don’t know whether to be more shocked at the stupidity of the media or the capability of the police in answering such a question with even more absurdity. My faith in humanity is being questioned.

Link: Catfish Chokes on Soccer Ball in German Canal

Ferosh Item: Taking Trailer Trash to New Heights

Nevermind the trailer trash nomenclature, I would be honored to park this mo-fo in my driveway. Not only can you squeeze your new Mercedes convertible into its underbelly, but it has three bedrooms with a telly in each. Whether you're looking for a luxurious way to travel about the country or just a decent three bedroom guest home on wheels for when your nosey family comes to visit, this is a stupendous alternative.

Mate Date: Frank Lampard and Kevin Pietersen

Whether it was just friendly banter or giddy cooing, Frank Lampard and England criketer Kevin Pietersen were chatting it up at a cafe on Kings Road in West London on June 24th. Pietersen also joined the Chelsea lads on their night out to the Funky Buddha after beating Fenerbahce at Stamford Bridge in their run to the UEFA Champions League Final. Perhaps Lampsy has a bit of a man crush on his cricketing idol.



Link: Lamps Gets Pietersen Out

Fashion Funnies: Thierry Tie-Tee

Many people have done nothing but put down the Barcelona striker for this particular outfit. Personally, I think it's hysterical. He obviously has a sense of humor.

Euro 2008: Spain Celebrates

Hump Day Celebration: Jamie Redknapp and Robbie Keane

Transfer Talk: Deco to Chelsea

Hump Day Celebration: Cristiano's House Tour

I think he needs a few more pictures of himself, no?